Diary of an Englishman living in the Highlands

"Our First Winter"

DEC 20th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen
for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch
watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees
and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as
far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush
covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time
ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that
day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back
and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with
coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a
couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined
in their fun.

DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped
to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again.
Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.
Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became
ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our
cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.
She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had
another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in
salt and iced up slush That bastard snowplough came by twice today.
Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th
More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been
damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to
death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly
torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd
degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a fucking
deer on the way to casualty and car was written off.

JAN 13th
Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on
every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little twats
next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that
carrot so far up the little bastard's arse it'll take a good surgeon hours
to find it. If I ever catch the twat that drives the snowplough I'll chew
open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he
accelerates down the street like Michael Schufuckingmacher and buries the
fucking driveway again.

JAN 17th
Sixteen more fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and fucking
sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court
in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick.
Can' t move my fucking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.
Minus 20 and more fucking snow forecast.

JAN 18th
FUCK THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON