Racing Jesus in a speedboat

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Diary of an Englishman living in the Highlands

"Our First Winter"

DEC 20th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen
for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch
watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees
and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as
far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush
covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time
ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that
day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back
and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with
coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a
couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined
in their fun.

DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped
to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again.
Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.
Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became
ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our
cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.
She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had
another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in
salt and iced up slush That bastard snowplough came by twice today.
Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th
More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been
damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to
death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly
torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd
degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a fucking
deer on the way to casualty and car was written off.

JAN 13th
Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on
every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little twats
next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that
carrot so far up the little bastard's arse it'll take a good surgeon hours
to find it. If I ever catch the twat that drives the snowplough I'll chew
open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he
accelerates down the street like Michael Schufuckingmacher and buries the
fucking driveway again.

JAN 17th
Sixteen more fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and fucking
sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court
in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick.
Can' t move my fucking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.
Minus 20 and more fucking snow forecast.

JAN 18th
FUCK THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

Απόδειξη για την εφορία...

Children...

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was
' DON'T!'
'Don't what?' Adam replied.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.
'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!'
' No Way!'
'Yes way!'
'Do NOT eat the fruit!' Said God.
'Why?'
'Because I am your Father and I said so!'
God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants...
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?' God asked.
'Uh huh,' Adam replied.
'Then why did you?' Said the Father.
'I don't know,' Said Eve.
'She started it!' Adam said.
'Did not!'
'Did too!'
'DID NOT!'
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day...

AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!

Τα μηδενικά - Ζερβάκης

Why parents drink...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

Οι τρελοί...

Tαξίδευε κάποιος με το αυτοκίνητό του από την Αθήνα πρός τη Θεσσαλονίκη.
Κάπου στο ύψος της Μαλακάσας, του πετάγεται ένας τύπος ντυμένος από την κορυφή ως τα νύχια στα κόκκινα και του κάνει νόημα να σταματήσει.
Μόλις σταματάει, πλησιάζει στο παράθυρο και του λέει:
- Γειά σου φίλε, είμαι ο μαλάκας με τα κόκκινα και πεινάω. Εχεις τίποτα φαγώσιμο;
Παραξενεύεται ο άνθρωπός με το παρανοϊκό της όλης φάσης, αλλά τον λυπάται και του δίνει ένα σάντουιτς που είχε μαζί του.
Μερικά χιλιόμετρα παρακάτω, εκεί κοντά στις στροφές της Μαλαισίνας, του πετάγεται και τον σταματάει ένας άλλος παρόμοιος τύπος ντυμένος όλος στα πράσινα.
Σκύβει κι αυτός στο παράθυρο και του λέει:
- Φίλε μου γειά σου. Εγώ είμαι ο μαλάκας με τα πράσινα και πεθαίνω της δίψας. Δώσε μου κάτι να πιώ σε παρακαλώ.
Τι να κάνει ο οδηγός....
Σκέφτεται "Θα δραπέτευσε καμμιά φουρνιά τρελών από το Δαφνί"... αλλά είναι και πονόψυχος και του δίνει μια Coca - Cola που είχε στο αμάξι.
Δεν προλαβαίνει να φτάσει στα Καμμένα Βούρλα και εκεί στον Αγιο Κωνσταντίνο, νά σου κι ένας άλλος ανάλογος τύπος ντυμένος στα μπλέ.

Το έχει συνηθίσει πια το παρανοϊκό σκηνικό ο ήρωάς μας, οπότε μόλις ο μπλέ μαρέν άνθρωπος πλησιάζει στο παράθυρο, του λέει βιαστικά:
- Ξέρω, ξέρω εσύ είσαι ο μαλάκας με τα μπλέ. Λέγε τι θέλεις.
- ΑΔΕΙΑ ΚΑΙ ΔΙΠΛΩΜΑ !

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The young woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man then continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for a man.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, receptionist, 'Anything wrong? May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $2,500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day!!'

Tzitzilonis

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'

-------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'Your sense of humour!'

Ομοιότητες

ΚΥΡΙΑΚΟΣ ΜΗΤΣΟΤΑΚΗΣ & ΠΑΠΙΑ
JUBBA THE HUT (STAR WARS) & ΧΡΗΣΤΟΣ ΖΑΧΟΠΟΥΛΟΣ
ΑΚΗΣ ΤΣΟΧΑΤΖΟΠΟΥΛΟΣ & EDDIE (IRON MAIDEN)
ΕΛΕΥΘΕΡΙΟΣ ΑΝΕΥΛΑΒΗΣ & BURLINGTON BERTIE (MUPPET SHOW)
MR. FREDRICKSEN & ΖΑΧΟΣ ΧΑΤΖΗΦΩΤΙΟΥ
ΚΩΣΤΑΣ ΜΗΤΣΟΤΑΚΗΣ & WALDORF (MUPPET SHOW)
SAM THE EAGLE & ΔΗΜΗΤΡΗΣ ΡΕΠΠΑΣ
ΚΟΡΝΗΛΙΟΣ ΚΑΣΤΟΡΙΑΔΗΣ & YODA
ΓΙΩΡΓΟΣ ΚΑΡΑΤΖΑΦΕΡΗΣ & ADOLF HITLER
CHRIS GRIFFIN & ΘΕΟΔΩΡΟΣ ΠΑΓΚΑΛΟΣ
GISELLE (PORNSTAR) & ΚΑΛΟΜΟΙΡΑ
ΓΙΩΡΓΟΣ ΚΥΡΤΣΟΣ & BUTT-HEAD
ΕΛΛΗ ΣΤΑΗ & ΝΙΝΑ HARTLEY (PORNSTAR)
ΠΡΟΔΡΟΜΟΣ & RUUD VAN NISTELROOY
ΦΑΝΗ ΠΑΛΛΗ ΠΕΤΡΑΛΙΑ & DANNY DEVITO
ΠΕΤΡΟΣ ΚΟΚΚΑΛΗΣ & KEVIN SPACEY
POTATO HEAD & ΗΛΙΑΣ ΜΑΜΑΛΑΚΗΣ
CHRISTINA RICHIE & ΣΑΒΒΑΣ ΤΣΙΤΟΥΡΙΔΗΣ
ΜΙΝΩΣ ΚΥΡΙΑΚΟΥ & THE BRAIN
MURRAY PERAHIA (PIANIST) & ΚΩΣΤΑΣ ΣΗΜΙΤΗΣ
ΕΦΡΑΙΜ & ΤΖΙΜΗΣ ΠΑΝΟΥΣΗΣ

High IQ

Ήταν κάποτε ένας τρομερά έξυπνος άνθρωπος που είχε δείκτη ευφυΐας γύρω στο
1000 αλλά είχε ένα τρομερό πρόβλημα .. Δε μπορούσε να συνεννοηθεί με τους
κοινούς θνητούς. Πήγαινε στο φούρνο να πάρει ψωμί και όπως έκανε να μιλήσει
στο φούρναρη άρχιζε τα επιστημονικά του και ο φούρναρης τον έχανε.

- Δε γίνεται , σκέφτεται, κάτι πρέπει να κάνω. Καλή η επιστήμη και η
εξυπνάδα αλλά έχω αποκοπεί από όλους τους ανθρώπους και κοντεύω να πεθάνω
στη πείνα. Αν μπορούσα να μετριάσω λίγο την εξυπνάδα μου θα ήμουν αρκετά
έξυπνος για να συνεχίσω την επιστημονική μου εργασία αλλά όχι τόσο ώστε να
μη μπορώ να επικοινωνήσω με τους άλλους.

Πάει λοιπόν σε ένα συνάδελφό του εξειδικευμένο στην ανθρώπινη ευφυΐα να του
βρει λύση στο πρόβλημά του.

- Μη στεναχωριέσαι καθόλου, του λέει. Μόλις τελείωσα το νέο μου μηχάνημα που
μπορεί να αυξομειώσει την ανθρώπινη ευφυΐα. Τρέχει Windows Vista και είναι
πολύ απλό στη λειτουργία του. Με το πράσινο κουμπί ανεβάζει λίγο το IQ, με
το κόκκινο το κατεβάζει.

Θα μπεις μέσα σε αυτή τη κάψουλα και θα λες το πρώτο πράγμα που σου έρχεται
στο μυαλό. Το μηχάνημα αναλύει τα όσα λες και σου εμφανίζει στην οθόνη το IQ
σου. Εγώ βλέποντας το IQ σου στην οθόνη θα πατάω το κατάλληλο κουμπί μέχρι
το IQ σου να πέσει στο επίπεδο μιας απλής ιδιοφυΐας.

Ξετρελαίνεται ο τύπος, μπαίνει μέσα στη κάψουλα λέει στο μικρόφωνο το πρώτο
πράγμα που του έρχεται στο μυαλό .. μια απίστευτα δυσνόητη θεωρία που
ενοποιεί τη θεωρία της σχετικότητας και τη κβαντομηχανική σε 4 λέξεις.

Το μηχάνημα βαράει κόκκινα και βγάζει IQ=1024 !!!

Ο άλλος επιστήμονας πατάει μια φορά το κόκκινο κουμπί. Μετά από 1´´ ο τύπος
μέσα στη κάψουλα αρχίζει να αναλύει μια οικονομοτεχνική θεωρία που καταργεί
τη φτώχεια στο πλανήτη, προστατεύει του φυσικούς πόρους, αναστρέφει τη
μόλυνση του περιβάλλοντος κλπ .

ΙQ = 876 . πατάει ξανά το κόκκινο κουπάκι ο άλλος

Αυτό γίνεται μερικές φορές μέχρι που χωρίς προφανή λόγο, τα VISTA κολλάνε
και το IQ αρχίζει να πέφτει κατακόρυφα. 800 . 700 .. 600 .. 400 234 . 113 .
75 . 47 . 21 . 7. Αγχώνεται ο
γιατρός αρχίζει να δοκιμάζει τα πάντα, Esc, backspace, ctrl-c,
ctrl-alt-delete αλλά το task manager είχε παγώσει. Με τά πολλά απλά τραβάει
το καλώδιο από τη πρίζα, ανοίγει την κάψουλα και αρχίζει τον άλλο στα
χαστούκια μπας και τον συνεφέρει.

- Μίλα μου ... πες κάτι
- Αρη ολέ, Αρη ολέ, Αρη ολε ολέ ολέ